What is being a mom - really?
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and
be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must
have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to
suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the
box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash
disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want
to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while
simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to
choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as
"You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60
mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic
toys and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be
your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as
"What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam
Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the
facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. |
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- - - - -SOMEBODY SAID- - - - -
Somebody said it
takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . .
somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you
learn how to be a mother by instinct . . .
somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said
being a mother is boring . . .
somebody never
rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if
you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good" ...
somebody thinks a
child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said
"good" mothers never raise their voices . . .
somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf
ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you
don't need an education to be a mother . . .
somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you
can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. . . somebody doesn't
have five children.
Somebody said a
mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books. .
. somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
Somebody said the
hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...
somebody never
watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten . . or on
a plane headed for military "boot camp"
Somebody said a
mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back .
.
somebody never
organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a
mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...
somebody doesn't
know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's
heartstrings.
Somebody said a
mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...
somebody never had
grandchildren.
Somebody said your
mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her . . .
somebody isn't a
mother.
Author Unknown |